BUSH ON CAMPUS     10/6/02 was a living nightmare with a unexpected happy ending. I woke up that day to a ringing phone and a voice saying Bush on campus! I jumped out of bed and ran to the car. I was so excited that I almost forgot my camera. I got pulled over twice, traffic was horrible and as if things couldn't get worse, I had a flat tire. What kind of journalist was I if I couldn't get the hottest scoop of the year? I reached the frantic crowd, still in my pajamas! How they all got into my pajamas I'll never know. I made my way through the mob and to my astonishment but not dismay the Bush in question was NOT our commander and chief, but 9 kegs of Busch beer. Oh, well... CHEERS!

A GHOST ON CAMPUS?
Several students are pictured here relaxing after a long week of study at SMU. Finally captured on film, you can see the ghost of Groucho Marx in the background. "We've been noticing the phenom for some time. Everyone thought we were crazy," said Miss Lawless. "Now they'll have to believe us." Miss Demeanor told us, "This is my second year at SMU. Every now and then you can smell cigar smoke in the air. I thought it was my imagination but Lisa told me it was "that darn ghost again." Miss Informed, who has also been at SMU for about a year said, "It is kind of spooky. I keep hearing someone say "say the magic word and win a duck." I still don't understand what that means but at least I know where it's coming from. Now, we see him almost every day."

SMU GOLF COACH REVEALS REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT!
Oversized drivers, oversized irons, oversized balls and huge greens are all the craze. And everyone knows that big balls take big cups. So why not take it all that extra step? "It came to me during a particularly frustrating practice session," says SMU assistant coach Fitty Putts. Golf can be frustrating enough for these kids without trying to putt into a 4 1/4" hole. Just look around. Some of the new drivers on the market look like Volkswagens on a stick. We really look for the concept to catch on fast." On a prototype hole at the SMU course, a 413-yard par four, one student eagled the hole four out of six times! A second student bogied it one time and was so utterly embarrassed, he threw his entire set of clubs into the hole.

Putts told us, "We have already created some interest by the other division school, Polk Elementary, for the new oversized cup or "Putts-Canyon". We don't expect the pro tour to jump at the idea immediately. It took them more than a hundred years to officially declare the difference between a shillelagh and a golf club." "We look forward to a much improved record this year. Particularly when playing at home. I do know our putting will improve this year thus, so should the team scores," says Fitty.

MONKEYS IN THE MOUNTAINS??

While on a field trip, deep in the jungles of the Great Smoky Mountain National Park, SMU Anthropology student, Zeke Hatfield made an amazing discovery. Although members of the primates known as the Macaque family are not native to the Park (or anywhere in North America for that matter) this species of monkey, never before recorded, was captured, tested, tagged and then released back into the wild. This breed of the macacamulatta cercopithecidae (more commonly known as the nasalis iarvatus or proboscis monkey) was aptly dubbed "Proboscis Strisandicus". Kudos to our great research team at SMU.